I dunno

who i am.

some more things, not to be understood.

in retaliation to the way you treated me i did one of the dumbest things imaginable.
to get back at you for yelling at me, calling me names, throwing things at me; for all the things that i forced out of my head...
for those things, the only thing that i felt i had to get back at you, the only thing that i knew effected you and pissed you off, was my grades.
and so what did i do?
as a 13 year old boy.
the only thing i could think of.
i stopped doing my homework.
i always went to school.
i wanted to learn.
when it came to testing i was the best in my class.
and yet i failed out of school just to make you mad, just to get back at you for the way you made me feel.
and now...
i can already feel it haunting me.
i regret everything in my highschool career.
but i can also realize that it was my fault.
it wasnt yours.
its not your fault you are a shitty father.
its not your fault your father was a shitty father.
but it is your fault for not supporting me.
and so everything i do in life will be to spite you.
whether i fail or not it will be because i tried and failed of my own accord and i will know that you had nothing to do with it.

we must live with our own regrets.
can you live with yours?

i will not forgive you, instead i will dissapear and leave you with your guilt, the son you loved will be your only son...

its depression, i know it.
it doesnt show, but its there.
when you arent around, its a different me.
and i think i know why.
i havent purpose.
you see, mankind for so long has done so much, been so active.
but i was born into a time where this thing they call a warrior is something you only see in the movies.
we have no war.
no major struggle.
all we have to fight against is our indecision when it comes to materialistic things.
we choose our clothes, and our items to match what society and the media wants us to buy.
people dont care about others they care about themselves, their appearance, and how famous they can become.
there was once a time when fame meant doing something so courageous for ones people that history itself would not forget you.
now it means how much money you have.
or what movies youve been in.
or how many people listen to your music.
and so yes, i am depressed, i dont go more than a day when i stop and realize wasted this goddamn country is.
i am depressed that the only way i can even think of being something in this world is to leave this country and take photos.
war,
poverty,
starvation,
this is what i want to endure,
this is what i want the world to see,
i believe the images i can capture may be able to change people, even if for one second,
but first, i have to deal with so much of my own bullshit, which is selfish, yes, but i need to take care of some things before i can do what i have always dreamed of doing...

The inedible Pie

tomorrow's the day.
my dad and brother are coming up this weekend to visit my grandparents,
haha, what a coincidence.
fuck.
so tomorrow i will be spending the day with a good friend until i can hitch a ride from my grandpa to ellensburg.
from there i will be picked up by Chris,
and after that...
Seans house?
Jakes house?
Austins house?
i do not know.
but i will be back this monday.
and will be registering for classes at evergreen.


it has begun.

growing.....falling....failing.....

i have been meaning to write something like this for a long time...
and if you think for one minute it will be me forgiving my dad...
you are terribly wrong,
though it has been about two months since i have seen him, which is really really nice.
no, this is different.
i apologized to alex this weekend.
that was not easy.
then went to visit lindsey.
and after, to visit my grandparents.
this weekend i will be applying at evergreen.

and so, things are looking up.
im finally out of my parents house,
and more or less on my feet.
stumbling, with crutches, but on my feet.
and i owe that to three wonderful people.
i dont feel i need to say their names here cause they know who they are.

anyway, i did a lot of thinking the other night, and i dont know if i can go through with traveling next summer.
i dont know if i can risk losing the people i know here.
i dont think i can leave them behind.
i thought about it a lot.
and i just dont think i can.

mmm, and i am starting to realize that i may have a few things wrong with me, one which i cannot say here, and i think i may be depressed.
i've seen these ads on tv, and i fit the profile to a T.
but alas, i have no insurance and no money, so i cannot see a doctor.

so you see, things are going well, and things arent going well.
but at least im still alive....
right?

Good and Gone

finally i got out of the valley.
moving onto better things and better people i hope.
already i've made some awesome new friends.
all while most dont even realize i've left.


today i go look for a job.
tomorrow i start looking for apartments.

completely, alone.

and it hits me.
just how worthless i am to you.
the words you spew from your mouth to my ears
are poison.
you call me your son, but one does not treat his flesh and blood as thus.
you speak of respect,
and of love,
and of this thing called family, well i have news for you, you fucker, FAMILY DOESNT TREAT EACHOTHER LIKE THIS!
so call me what you will, but make sure from now on that it is NOT son.

i want you to crawl into a fucking ditch and die.
you want me to leave so that your marriage can flourish, fine, i will leave, but when i do i will take your marriage with me until i get what you owe me.



[yesterday my dad told me that his wife hates me for the way that i treat her and that if i dont leave then she is going to leave my dad....
he told me to leave
so much for family.]