i will not forgive you, instead i will dissapear and leave you with your guilt, the son you loved will be your only son...

its depression, i know it.
it doesnt show, but its there.
when you arent around, its a different me.
and i think i know why.
i havent purpose.
you see, mankind for so long has done so much, been so active.
but i was born into a time where this thing they call a warrior is something you only see in the movies.
we have no war.
no major struggle.
all we have to fight against is our indecision when it comes to materialistic things.
we choose our clothes, and our items to match what society and the media wants us to buy.
people dont care about others they care about themselves, their appearance, and how famous they can become.
there was once a time when fame meant doing something so courageous for ones people that history itself would not forget you.
now it means how much money you have.
or what movies youve been in.
or how many people listen to your music.
and so yes, i am depressed, i dont go more than a day when i stop and realize wasted this goddamn country is.
i am depressed that the only way i can even think of being something in this world is to leave this country and take photos.
war,
poverty,
starvation,
this is what i want to endure,
this is what i want the world to see,
i believe the images i can capture may be able to change people, even if for one second,
but first, i have to deal with so much of my own bullshit, which is selfish, yes, but i need to take care of some things before i can do what i have always dreamed of doing...

The inedible Pie

tomorrow's the day.
my dad and brother are coming up this weekend to visit my grandparents,
haha, what a coincidence.
fuck.
so tomorrow i will be spending the day with a good friend until i can hitch a ride from my grandpa to ellensburg.
from there i will be picked up by Chris,
and after that...
Seans house?
Jakes house?
Austins house?
i do not know.
but i will be back this monday.
and will be registering for classes at evergreen.


it has begun.

growing.....falling....failing.....

i have been meaning to write something like this for a long time...
and if you think for one minute it will be me forgiving my dad...
you are terribly wrong,
though it has been about two months since i have seen him, which is really really nice.
no, this is different.
i apologized to alex this weekend.
that was not easy.
then went to visit lindsey.
and after, to visit my grandparents.
this weekend i will be applying at evergreen.

and so, things are looking up.
im finally out of my parents house,
and more or less on my feet.
stumbling, with crutches, but on my feet.
and i owe that to three wonderful people.
i dont feel i need to say their names here cause they know who they are.

anyway, i did a lot of thinking the other night, and i dont know if i can go through with traveling next summer.
i dont know if i can risk losing the people i know here.
i dont think i can leave them behind.
i thought about it a lot.
and i just dont think i can.

mmm, and i am starting to realize that i may have a few things wrong with me, one which i cannot say here, and i think i may be depressed.
i've seen these ads on tv, and i fit the profile to a T.
but alas, i have no insurance and no money, so i cannot see a doctor.

so you see, things are going well, and things arent going well.
but at least im still alive....
right?

Good and Gone

finally i got out of the valley.
moving onto better things and better people i hope.
already i've made some awesome new friends.
all while most dont even realize i've left.


today i go look for a job.
tomorrow i start looking for apartments.

completely, alone.

and it hits me.
just how worthless i am to you.
the words you spew from your mouth to my ears
are poison.
you call me your son, but one does not treat his flesh and blood as thus.
you speak of respect,
and of love,
and of this thing called family, well i have news for you, you fucker, FAMILY DOESNT TREAT EACHOTHER LIKE THIS!
so call me what you will, but make sure from now on that it is NOT son.

i want you to crawl into a fucking ditch and die.
you want me to leave so that your marriage can flourish, fine, i will leave, but when i do i will take your marriage with me until i get what you owe me.



[yesterday my dad told me that his wife hates me for the way that i treat her and that if i dont leave then she is going to leave my dad....
he told me to leave
so much for family.]

fuck it. fuck it all.

you think this is easy?
i have reached it.
point A
never quite got to B
near it
i could smell it
almost taste it
it was right there on the horizon.
but its dissapeared again
from sight,
from taste,
from sense.
there is another place i could go,
point C
but i wouldnt like it there.
which leads me to point Z
and ultimately the end as we know it of James Scott Brulotte,
the death of a sycophant.
the rebirth of something greater and unknown.
a man.
a man forged of iron will and free spirit,
not by women, rules, habits, or television.
a leader,
yet, a loner
i am tired of people and their bullshit.
kill me of it
erase it all
i want nothing to do with it
any of it
and so the next time you see this body...
it wont be the person your eyes see.

animal

what am i doing?
this is MY future.
not yours.
stop telling me what to do, i am no longer your child.

i am wallowing in nothingness, no pain, no love, nothing.
the animal inside is trying to escape.
instinct took over long ago.
i want to taste flesh.
feel that warm blood run down my jawline like it was supposed to.
i have been made weak by this civilization.
i want to kill.
i want to feel freedom from this bullshit of modern thinking.

but this will never happen.
you cant escape it.

Adobe

i have discovered some awesome new technologies last night.
all from adobe.
with the introduction of Flex AIR and all other Rich internet applications ive discovered some pretty cool stuff.
one is a document writer, like word, called Buzzword.
its online, you sign in and everything you need is right there.
now whats cool is that you can save your stuff online and return to it later even on a different computer.
wen you finish a document, you can then save it as a PDF file.
another nifty little program i found is called ConnectNow.
its a screen sharing service that allows hosts to show what they are doing on their computer to others.
with this one i would rather show you how it works than explain it, so send me a message sometime and i will send you a request.
keep in mind though that i can only have 3 people in a room at once.
these are only two of the new technologies that ive found through adobe, and there are many more to come.

they came.

last night i had the most realistic dream.
i was standing on the edge of a lake, alex brian and myself.
when someone screamed.
and i looked up.
when i saw about 40 military jets coming towards us.
blazing fast and carrying a vast amount of firepower.
as they neared one dropped the largest bomb i've ever seen.
watching that in slow motion...
those ten seconds...
of hoping it wont detonate...
looking at alex...
then to the lake...
seeing it hit...





and then waking up.
what it meas i couldnt tell you.
perhaps something lifechanging (college)
perhaps the end of something (family)
perhaps a string of events that i cannot change, and that are way out of my control.
i cant know, until it happens.

Accepted....

al of my thanks go to Alex's parents on this one for all their help.
my own parents however, nothing.
they dont deserve so much as to say that they are proud of me.
why?
what the fuck have they done to help?
they discourage me and tell me that i shouldnt go, that i will be digging myself a hole.
well fuck 'em.
these are not my parents.
they are an obstacle.
and once i have passed it i will be done with it.

i cannot simply describe to you my mood.
i was happy about my newfound glory.
they always find ways to stop it.
why cant they just be FUCKING HAPPY WITH ME FOR ONCE?????

...

i now understand why people kill other people, or do insane things.
it is now clear to me how someone can commit such a thing as murder.
i am, right now, wishing i could do so.
but one thing remains,
my own sanity, and conscience.
i have no family.
that ended today.
they are all dead.
figuratively speaking.
i hate them all so damn much.
they speak of how i abandoned them,
and how much of an asshole i am to them,
and how i dont deserve to live with them,
well someday i will return the favour,
when they are sick and dying,
i will ten thousand miles away,
and that day will be a good day.


i have become a firm believer in "what doesn't kill you, makes your stronger"
people wonder why i am not effected by things, or why i don't "love" anyone or "trust" anyone,
its because of the shit I've been put through with my "family"
i have learned, from them that you cannot trust any human being,
i have also learned that those who are supposed to love you, can EPICLY FUCKING FAIL.
and can do so frequently.

FUUUUUUUCK!!

without pain we cannot feel
i am spending a long time trying to feel as much pain as possible
why?
because it reminds me that i CAN feel
even if it isnt good, which we often forget the feeling of
i have forgotten good
that feeling is beyond me
but i can vaguely remember that sweet solace
why i gave that up i still cant figure out
i need you back
though i fear i still may not be thinking straight
when am i, eh?
i hope forgiveness will ensue.




i love that feeling of total aloneness in the dark
letting the silence fill me
then breaking it
and letting everything out
the most fulfilling thing in this world

this fall is goin to be amazing as hell...

i simply cannot wait for college.
if i get in that is.
i cant wait to get away from the people i have come to know.
i need to be around new people.
im tired of knowing most of who i do now.
i want to be totally free.
not have to worry about people and their bullshit.
i want to travel and try new things.
i want to experience life, in its fullest.
i no longer long for warmth, or fear being alone.
i am used to it.
i've been abandoned by my family, arent they supposed to be here through thick and thin?
well, thats what they say.
i dont know where i am going with this, so im done for now.

HERE'S THE TRUTH

here it is, the truth, in full.


i cling to people because i am terrified of being alone.
i have loved few people and made love to fewer.
there are things that make me feel good, and the same brings me down.
i cannot feel good, without feeling bad.
i feel too much hate too feel too little love.
i bleed just like you.
yes, i feel it, but it is tolerated, because that is what i have come to know.
if you try to know me you will fail.
i enjoy sunsets more than the sunrise, but both remind me that there is a beginning and an end.
there is no such thing as a true friend, or love at first sight.
when i LOVE something, there is no changing that.
i enjoy stealing things, its a rush.
there are only three people i have ever been infatuated with, one is dead, one has a boyfriend, and the last may be a mistake.
i cannot control myself.
i have no family.
i've few friends.
i have no home.
i would rather listen to signal noise than most music.
someday soon i am going to lose it.
i've been saying that for a long time.
but that day can only get closer.
i want to know what death feels like.
oftentimes i wish to be in a car wreck.
i want to destroy something big.
tomorrow these words will remain, but i wont be the same.
i change too much.




chances are you dont care.

look into my eyes....

tell me what it is thats worth living for, cause at this moment i dont see what is.