animal

what am i doing?
this is MY future.
not yours.
stop telling me what to do, i am no longer your child.

i am wallowing in nothingness, no pain, no love, nothing.
the animal inside is trying to escape.
instinct took over long ago.
i want to taste flesh.
feel that warm blood run down my jawline like it was supposed to.
i have been made weak by this civilization.
i want to kill.
i want to feel freedom from this bullshit of modern thinking.

but this will never happen.
you cant escape it.

Adobe

i have discovered some awesome new technologies last night.
all from adobe.
with the introduction of Flex AIR and all other Rich internet applications ive discovered some pretty cool stuff.
one is a document writer, like word, called Buzzword.
its online, you sign in and everything you need is right there.
now whats cool is that you can save your stuff online and return to it later even on a different computer.
wen you finish a document, you can then save it as a PDF file.
another nifty little program i found is called ConnectNow.
its a screen sharing service that allows hosts to show what they are doing on their computer to others.
with this one i would rather show you how it works than explain it, so send me a message sometime and i will send you a request.
keep in mind though that i can only have 3 people in a room at once.
these are only two of the new technologies that ive found through adobe, and there are many more to come.

they came.

last night i had the most realistic dream.
i was standing on the edge of a lake, alex brian and myself.
when someone screamed.
and i looked up.
when i saw about 40 military jets coming towards us.
blazing fast and carrying a vast amount of firepower.
as they neared one dropped the largest bomb i've ever seen.
watching that in slow motion...
those ten seconds...
of hoping it wont detonate...
looking at alex...
then to the lake...
seeing it hit...





and then waking up.
what it meas i couldnt tell you.
perhaps something lifechanging (college)
perhaps the end of something (family)
perhaps a string of events that i cannot change, and that are way out of my control.
i cant know, until it happens.

Accepted....

al of my thanks go to Alex's parents on this one for all their help.
my own parents however, nothing.
they dont deserve so much as to say that they are proud of me.
why?
what the fuck have they done to help?
they discourage me and tell me that i shouldnt go, that i will be digging myself a hole.
well fuck 'em.
these are not my parents.
they are an obstacle.
and once i have passed it i will be done with it.

i cannot simply describe to you my mood.
i was happy about my newfound glory.
they always find ways to stop it.
why cant they just be FUCKING HAPPY WITH ME FOR ONCE?????

...

i now understand why people kill other people, or do insane things.
it is now clear to me how someone can commit such a thing as murder.
i am, right now, wishing i could do so.
but one thing remains,
my own sanity, and conscience.
i have no family.
that ended today.
they are all dead.
figuratively speaking.
i hate them all so damn much.
they speak of how i abandoned them,
and how much of an asshole i am to them,
and how i dont deserve to live with them,
well someday i will return the favour,
when they are sick and dying,
i will ten thousand miles away,
and that day will be a good day.


i have become a firm believer in "what doesn't kill you, makes your stronger"
people wonder why i am not effected by things, or why i don't "love" anyone or "trust" anyone,
its because of the shit I've been put through with my "family"
i have learned, from them that you cannot trust any human being,
i have also learned that those who are supposed to love you, can EPICLY FUCKING FAIL.
and can do so frequently.